My wife found I had been on Pornhub. She considers this adultery and wants a divorce. She hasn't touched me in over 6 years. What should I do?

She probably did, in some ineffective way, that she was unhappy. But you might have just ignored the signs because otherwise things went just fine, except for occasional arguments in which you felt she was attacking you, so you shut down to avoid further conflict. How did that work as a strategy?

This should have been a big screaming red flag for you to reassess what was going on and make a course correction in your relationship. But no, you let the situation go on for six years. In your sexual frustration turned to a porn site aggravating the mess, because you did not address the core problem.

At the beginning of your relationship, both of you react to the dopamine running through you, and things feel wonderful. The sex is easy, you enjoy being with each other, and the man thinks, “this is great, let’s keep doing this.”

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Enough said.

Well you had sex (we assume) if only with your hand and didn’t include her. Not only that, you didn’t tell her, and embarrassed her by having a public profile that demonstrates your lack of sexual interest in her. She probably feels you cut her out of the marriage.

Your problems go back six years when she hasn’t touched you, because this is when the dopamine burned out, and she realize that “hey, this guy, my husband is not giving me what I need. I do not feel safe and secure.” Or, to put it in more male terms, she did not feel you were part of her team.

What would happen if the US government told the British government in no uncertain terms all RAF bases with USAF personnel now must follow the Constitution and us law, and if the UK tried to defy this, the US military would directly attack the UK?

And you might say, “hey, why didn’t she just tell me?”

And here is where things can go awry for both sexes. The key difference for men and women are the neurochemicals that promote your bond with each other. For women, this is oxytocin, the feel-good chemical, promotes the sense that “hey, this person is important to me, and loves me, and makes me feel safe and secure.”

If you are not willing to do that, then she has every right to leave you.

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I will say this one more time for every man out there that’s not getting it—you can’t keep a woman starving for feelings of love and affection and expect that she’ll want to stay with you.

Because women need that oxytocin to feel bonded enough with you to want to touch you. When a woman does not get that oxytocin, she feels like she is starving in the relationship for love and affection.

Sometimes, you guys are thick-headed and stubborn, and this does not work for you. When, as a last ditch effort to save our marriage, I convinced my husband to attend a therapy session. During the session, he declared he wasn’t going to change, and that was that. I really had no other choice.

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It’s biochemical in nature.

There are an awful lot of men out there who cluelessly believe it’s the wife’s duty to sexually satisfy them. And I say clueless, because they are unaware of what it takes for a woman to want to go to bed with them. And it’s not about having a hot bod or a dominant attitude.

For men, it’s vasopressin, which the male of the species uses to bond with other humans. Men use it all their relationships, and makes them feel that “hey, this person is part of my team.”

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However, there comes a point—within six months to a year, the dopamine burns out.

I’m not saying you are the only person at fault in the relationship, but since your life is about to get ten times harder going through this divorce, and if you don’t want the divorce, then you need to take emergency action. You need to win your wife back. It’s time to man up, take the hit for the team and get you to therapy, not as a solution but as a bridge to regaining her trust in and love for you.